Sometimes as we are digging through our family history we discover something we wish we hadn’t – something unpleasant, tragic, or difficult to handle. We are challenged, first, to come to terms with the information and second, to figure out what to do with it. Over the years I have had several experiences like this and have reacted in different ways, depending on the circumstances. However, I have always been guided by my desire to be respectful.

In one instance, I discovered something really unpleasant. I found that the namesake of a town had moved away from the area and many years later committed a terrible crime. Since I was writing a history of a different family who grew up in that town, I chose to keep this information to myself, because it was not relevant to the focus of the story I was telling and would only tarnish the memories the family had of the place.

In another example, I found a tragic story and didn’t know how to present it in an inoffensive way. I was researching a distant family line and found that the head of the household (which included 9 children ranging in age from 1 to 25 years) was admitted to a State Hospital for the Insane, where he spent the next 25 years until his death. I was initially shocked and saddened, and I wondered how to discuss mental health issues when they are so common, yet not talked about openly today. With further digging, I found an account that the ancestor had suffered a stroke, which resulted in his hospitalization. Considering the event occurred in 1899, I was then able to briefly present the facts as I knew them, and postulate that the family had done the best it could to deal with the issue at a time when brain function was little understood.

My most challenging case combined distasteful, distressing and difficult elements. Initially, I admit I was curious to discover if the person I was researching really had embezzled the school funds in 1913. Eventually, I learned a great deal about his financial, family, and health problems. Although I found government records that hinted at a jail sentence, I could not conclusively state that he had embezzled and subsequently served time behind bars for this nor for assorted other rumored monetary crimes. So, I presented the information I had as possibly well-founded circumstantial evidence and gossip, and balanced it with the extenuating family and financial dilemmas I had discovered. I tried my best to break the story gently to the descendant of this person, highlighting the instances when he had acted in a law-abiding way when those around him had not.

The examples I have discussed are extreme in their own ways, but all of us will find some skeleton in the closet if we look long enough. Often it is something that we do not find as scandalous now as people did then, for example, a case of divorce, adoption or an illegitimate child. But, even though societal norms have changed, we cannot be flippant about past secrets.

When dealing with difficult issues, the key is to respect the families involved. Although facts are facts, their interpretation can vary depending on how they are presented. Here’s what I suggest. If you choose to reveal the information you have discovered, simply state the facts in a respectful and non-judgmental way. Then, put them in the context of the time, which aids the descendants in understanding the ancestor’s situation. Empathy with the ancestor will then help the descendants to reconcile themselves to the troublesome information. Imagine how you would like your own difficulties to be treated by someone in the future and then apply that care to your ancestors’ stories. Respectful treatment of difficult issues in our family history will lead to a deeper understanding of our past and a greater appreciation for the challenges our ancestors faced.

This article was originally printed in the Bergen News and is being reprinted with permission.